The Journey Re-embarked

Dear Friend,

I’m not sure if you still remember me, cause I do. I remember how I use to tell you stories after stories about all the little thing in my life. I remember how I felt you were the only one in the whole world who understood what was happening in my head. I also remember telling myself never to come here again. I forgot why, though.

I am sorry I left without a warning. I’m lousy friend, aren’t I? I missed you, incase you were wondering. On the days I felt my days were upside down, or when I had a glimpse of heaven, I long to write to you, but I was afraid. I was afraid to take off my mask and face myself. Because I know, with you I can’t hide.

So where did I go? You have no idea. I can’t begin to share the things I learnt, the places I visited, the people I met. I long to share with you how much I have grown, not so much in height, but in my heart and soul :p But it’s okay, I have the rest of my life to unleash my two year old drama. I hope I never stop writing to you.

I recently embarked on this journey or rediscovering myself. As much as I have grown, I feel I became indifferent to the people around me, to the depth of my thoughts, to nature, to things that matter to me the most. I feel like I am just living life as it goes rather that living life to the fullest. I know I owe it to myself to be the person I am created to be.

So here are somethings I plan to do on this journey:

1. Read the daily reading before I start my day.
2. Speak to the person in front as if he or she is the only person in the world. In other words, give my full attention. If you know me well, you would know that I am inside my head all the time and I frequently zone out. I hope to pay full attention and not half or quater.
3. Spend less time on social media. Social media is too toxic.
4. Spend more time with nature and exercising.
5. Write at least one post one day and reflect.

For now I will stop at 5. I have trouble following up with things. I hope these little things will make a lot of difference.

Toodles!

Day 7: Of squads and lunges

Dear Friend,

Just so you know, my previous blog may sound a little harsh, but I’m perfectly fine. We all have those days where (the time of the month), everything just goes wrong at the same time. But thank you so much for your comments and text messages. It means a lot. 🙂

Anyway, I’m clueless on what to write today. So instead let me write to you about my day.

It was horrible. The only thing beneficial I did was exercise. I’m trying out this Bikini Body Work Out. If you feel like laughing, go ahead. 😛 But I don’t plan to wear any bikini soon. I just realised my whole family either have sugar overload or cholesterol. I have a responsibility so stay fit and healthy because I dream of meeting my great great grandchildren someday. But I know I look good no matter what size I’m in. 😀

So if you see me walking funny, it’s because I did so many lunges and squads, my thighs hurt. I dislike leg exercises. They disrupt your whole body. I love abs, but after every sit up and plank, I can’t laugh properly, because it hurts. Yesterday, I worked out my arms. Sad to say, it almost came out of it’s socket. I couldn’t do more than 15 push ups. 😦 The worst.. like the worst ever is burpees. Oh dear, if I could do 10 in one go, it’s a miracle!

What I do love is running. I miss running. You know what I like most about running? The fact that you push yourself to the extend you can’t any more. You motivate yourself, “A little bit more Juan.. Just until you reach that lamp post..” And then when you reach the lamp post, you’re extremely delighted, so you push yourself some more. While running, you clear your mind. Your mind focuses on reaching your gold. If you’re running with someone, you force yourself to keep up. I love slow jogs compared to sprint. It’s calming, it’s persevering. And when you’re tired, you stop. You tell, “I can’t do this anymore.. I need water… I need to sit..” A gentle voice replies.. “You can. You’re not a quitter! Run Juan! Keep running!”

Isn’t running similar to our life? Sometimes, we’re eager to complete the race.. some times we just want to give up.. some times we just need a little motivation. Running though, in my opinion..is not really about the destination.. or the finish line. It is about the journey.

The journey. Because it’s going to be worth it. 😛

Good night!

p/s I really didn’t feel like writing. But thank you for visiting. 😀

Day 4: 10 things I’m thankful for

Dear Friend,

I’m extremely exhausted today. I won’t bore you with my life-story, but I do want to list down 10 things I’m grateful for. 🙂

1. I’m grateful for this gift of life. Many a times, I begged God to take it away (at that time it seemed less painful to die than to live), but He insisted on letting me live on His terms. Indeed, He always knows best.
2. I’m grateful for my family, who is no where close to perfect. Sometimes, I go crazy and turn into a pressure cooker.. but I couldn’t ask for a better team to go through life with. Our weaknesses and strength complement each other that we have become inseparable.
3. I’m grateful for the gift of church. For the fact that it is a home for the broken, the lost, the little, the least, the last, the marginalised, the sinners. I find great freedom and hope in the sacraments. I’m not sure how my life would have turned if I was born into a religion, but today I am grateful that I am a Catholic. 🙂
4. I am grateful for all the difficult people I have to deal with. Yes, the take away the joy of serving but they have also helped me to look in the areas of my life that I need to work on. They help me work on my weaknesses as a person.
5. I thank God for my country Malaysia. Mom has been asking me to study abroad and settle down there. I am very much delighted at her offer, but deep down I believe that there is a reason why I am born here, in this country. When there is so much of things to be done here, why go elsewhere? And yes, I’d die for this country if I have too. Like St Joan of Arc, one of my favorite saint. 😀
6. I am grateful for my friends. I do not have much, but the ones I have are truly God-sent. They were there in the happiest moments in my life as well as when I’m about to fall apart. I couldn’t imagine my life without them. If you are reading this, thank you. 🙂 You know who you are.
7. I am grateful for the wrong choices I have made in my life. Yes, it was hard and sometimes I wished I never made them. But I did and because I did, it changed my life. 🙂 I am no longer the same person as I was before I made those decision.
8. I am grateful for the gifts and talents I have received throughout the years. I might have misused some of it, hence I hope it’s not too late to give it back to the One who gave it to me.
9. I thank God for super-hot weather that is causing my sweat glands to work over-time, but things could be worst. We could be dying out of thirst or freezing in the winter. 😛
10. I thank God for you beautiful people out there, who thinks my random posts and ramblings are worth the read! Thank you! 😀

Have a blessed Sunday! 🙂

Off day, tomorrow! See you Monday! 😀

Day 2: ‘Cause, darling, I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream

Dear Friend,

It’s Chinese New Year today. 🙂 And I honestly don’t feel like writing. 😦

But here’s 10 things you might not know about me

1) I gain weight. Like a lot. I can’t help it. Everytime I see food, the voice in my head whispers, “It’s okay Juan, your looks doesn’t matter..” And then all heaven break loose.

2) I am still unemployed. What I plan to do.. I honestly have no idea.

3) I am so tempted to watch a movie. I’m thinking Benchwarmers. Aahh temptations! And did you know Fast and Furious 7 is coming soon?! Like really soon! 😀 I made a deal that if it is for the purpose of bonding I’ll go out for movie either with my family or friends. Say today, mom was super stressed and she said, “Come let’s go for movie.. my treat!” … Then she added.. “It’s a celebration!!” ..Of course looking at the colour of my skin and my heritage, I am no way close to celebrating Chinese New Year.. but hey, you don’t push away a blessing. So we went for a tamil movie (I forgot the name), but it was super good! Trust me when I say it’s good. (Because I dislike almost 90% of the tamil movies these days).

4) I cleaned! Yesterday I cleaned my book shelf and my table. Today I cleaned my closet and dusted my whole room and put my curtains and bed sheets for wash. Tomorrow it’s drawers! And did you know, when you start cleaning, you find lost items and things you never knew existed. Ahh such a joy!

5) Okay I can’t think of anything else. Oh wait.. currently I’m reading Leaving Time by Jodi Picoult. It started of pretty good. Can’t wait to read more. 🙂 Do you ever feel like that when you read? Like there’s this whole other world, that’s begin you to come visit it. And when you’re in it, everything else goes blank. -.-

6) Speaking of Chinese New Year, I think I am more of Chinese but still very Indian. Say, I love Chinese food, I love gambling and last year I won about 80 bucks 😛 I love Cho Tai Ti, most of my friends are Chinese or rather half Chinese. And did I mention I love wearing Cheong Sam compared to a saree?. I mean in a saree, I’m super worried it will fall off anytime soon and I can’t enjoy wearing it. 😥

7) I will be having a new family member this easter! My ex-colleague/super close friend/Sister-from-another-mother is joining the Catholic Church. 😀 It’s amazing how when one discovers the truth, you can no longer deny it.

8) I miss the sister. She keeps calling me to go and visit her. Maybe I should. Maybe I will.

9) I really don’t know what else to write. How about. when I start writing I can’t stop. But before writing my mind goes blank. It’s a war… Between you and the blank space. I like blank spaces. It’s free, no constraints. Taylor Swift’s Blank Space is quite extreme though but I think it’s very creative.

10) Phew. Last one. I had Ramly Burger for dinner. It’s not important to you, but it popped into my head. So there you go. 😀

Cause we’re young and we’re reckless
We’ll take this way too far
It’ll leave you breathless
Or with a nasty scar
Got a long list of ex-lovers
They’ll tell you I’m insane
But I’ve got a blank space, baby
And I’ll write your name

Straight Talk With Girls (STWG 2015)

Dear Friend,

I got so many things to tell you, but I don’t know where to start. 🙂 Well, I’m smiling now… Like really smiling. The kinda smile you get when you’re falling in love. Like you think of what your crush did or said and you just cant help smiling like a fool. :’) I have to admit it has been ages since I experienced such feeling. But do take note, there aint no guys involved. 😛

Well, over the weekend I facilitated in a camp by ASAYO called Straight Talk With Girls. See, last December. Fiona, the co-ordinator who also happens to be my friend, texted me and asked if I would like to facilitate. Since I had to come back earlier from my holiday, I was thinking why not? I was a little bit worried though, because none of my close friends were going. I was afraid but I still went, because the instinct to go was so strong and the only way I would stay in peace was if I said “Yes”.

One day before camp, Fiona asked if I could testify one of my deepest darkest secret that I’ve held for quite a long time. I was a little skeptical since I have never testified to anyone about it neither do any of my close friends know about it.. what more to a group of 70 girls whom I’m not so close with. After much thinking, I said Yes. The minute I said Yes, I had second thoughts. I rushed to the adoration room before camp and spend an hour there, I asked God to show me a sign, if He wants me to testify. Then I read the first reading. and the responsorial psalm and my jaw dropped, I felt like it was meant for me. So I decided to go ahead with it.

On Saturday afternoon, after Fiona called me up to testify.. I prayed. I told God, “Take charge Lord, you know I can’t do it by myself”. I went up there, took the mic and felt a whole rush of emotions. My voice trembled as I spoke. Half the time, I didn’t know what I was saying. It took me ages to reach the finish line, holding back my tears. It took all the little courage I had within me to say the last line. I gave fiona a hug and tears started rolling down my cheek non-stop. I couldn’t stop crying. And I didn’t know why.

The next thing I know, I was surrounded by a group of ladies who each gave me a hug. The kinda hug that is so comforting and tight that aims to patch back all your broken pieces. Beautiful words were whispered in my ears. Some said, “You’re beautiful inside, out” Another said, “Thank you for saying it as it is, and not sugar coating it..” Some said, “I know exactly how you feel… exactly..” Most of them looked into my eyes as they hugged me, secretly saying, “we are here.. for you..” Two facilitator, Irene and Jackie, pulled me out to the balcony and prayed over me.

I never felt so much love, in the past 25 years. I was overwhelmed with mixed emotions. Trauma and love. I begin wondering, Lord, you do exist! :’) You are so real. So very real. I see it in all of these girls. I couldn’t help thanking God, because I finally felt that I wont be going through life alone. I finally found the importance of community. People who knows exactly how you feel and understand the hurt you’ve carried all along.

Overall, by far, This is the best camp I have attended. I have never felt so spiritually fulfilled and contended. I feel the hole in my heart decreasing.. like I could finally breath. I felt safe. I felt loved. I felt at peace. I fell in love with my God, all over again. And indeed, it is the best feeling ever.

I have to say though, I couldn’t have done it by myself. The strength that I had in me wasn’t mine. If you asked me to testify again, I can’t do it. I forgot half the things I said. I can also bet that all those who testified didn’t do it on their own. They couldn’t have. To stand in front of a group of people and open up wounds is not easy. But together with it, comes great sense freedom. In no way it means the broken part of me was healed. But it does mean that there is hope.

And I find that being broken is a beautiful thing. You find beauty, courage and wisdom in the pieces of your broken-ness and you can use it, to help those who are broken too. And they will use to help others. Like domino effect.

So if you’re broken today, have courage, because life holds so much more hope than just your broken-ness.

Come to the Father, though your gifts are small,
Broken hearts, broken life, He will take them all,
There’s power in His word, there’s power in His blood,
Everything was done,
So you would come

🙂

Broken Together

Dear Friend,

I’m not quite sure what I want to write to you today. But I do know I want to write something and until I do, I won’t be able to do anything else.

So yesterday, we had our usual Theology of the Body camp. For some reason I have been presenting on Dating topic. Why? I guess that topic seems to be the one topic I can relate too. Yes, the irony is, I’m still very much single. Of course, I have had relationships on and off but it never really lasted. I have had sleepless nights all the time, wondering where did I go wrong this time. In fact even now I still have sleepless nights. I guess that’s what brokenness does to you.

Could one be broken one too many times that they begin to grow numb to the pain?

Well, like every other time before I present, I will have a minor panic attack. I will think the world is about to end, and I haven’t done anything yet. My heart beats as fast as a bullet train, my head is filled with hundreds of voices. I looked at the window and begin thinking, “If I jump off, it wouldn’t be too late..” (Yes, I’m weird like that). I try to find the tiny voice inside my head but it’s been clouded by other voice. The voices keep reminding me.. “You’re going to screw it up again.. like you did it with the rest of your life..” Another voice replied saying, “You’re just doing this to impress others..” Two minutes later, another voice said, “You’re broken Juan. What possibly do you have to offer?”

Then it hit me.

I actually don’t have anything to offer. But I know brokenness. I know what it feels like to be completely broken. I know what it’s like to be hurt. I know what it’s like to hurt someone. And i know what it’s like to come to end of me and think maybe the world would be a better place if I didn’t exist. So why not offer that up?

So I countered the voice back and said, “Lord, I am broken. But I know you have a way to use my brokenness and bring others back to you. It’s just that, I’m not strong enough by myself. I can’t…”

Like every other time.. I imagine a reply..

“I know you can’t..” said the voice. “But I can. Are you willing to risk it?”

It’s a risk alright.

I went up to to the front and took the microphone. I put on a smile and told the students.. “See I can’t tell you who to date.. or who not to date. I can’t tell you what to do or what not to do in a relationship. I am nobody to tell you all that. But I can only suggest to you what can be done.. I can only share with you the choices I have made and the consequences I have to deal with. I can advise you on the requirement of dating but everything else after that is your choice..”

The minute I said that.. I was like.. “Okay.. that wasn’t planned..” I just blurted it out. I smiled, knowing where it came from.

I guess, we’re all broken. We don’t want to be.. but we are and that sucks alright. Some brokenness may seem more severe compared to others but to each and everyone, their brokenness weighs more than you can imagine.

Will we ever get healed? I don’t know. Will we ever stop the tears from flowing because of that brokenness? I don’t know. Will we one day look at our disfigured self and be okay with being “broken”? I don’t know. Will we find someone who looks at our brokenness and still think we’re worth dying for? I don’t know. Will we find the answers to our questions? I don’t know.

I found this song yesterday. I think it’s so beautiful. It’s called ‘Broken Together’ by Casting Crowns. It’s actually talking about a married couple, on the verge of separation. But for some reason I can connect to it. And no, I have never been married. I don’t know if I ever will. But I guess it;s true. You can’t find someone who’s complete. You’re going to find who’s broken, just like you.

That means, it’s going to be hard. It’s going to be way more challenging that you can ever imagine. But just because it’s broken, you don’t throw it away. Just because the bulb is broken, you don’t change houses. You fix the bulb. You fix it. You never throw it away. You fight for it.

Like Cheryl Cole said in her lyrics,
“Anything that’s worth having
Is sure enough, worth fighting for
Quitting’s out of the question
When it gets tough
Gotta fight some more..”

Sadly, we don’t have that kinda love anymore, do we? The kinda love that burns as deep as a coal. The kinda love that survives stormy weather and earthquakes. The kinda love that rips your soul apart and leaves you to bleed because you cannot imagine your life without the other person. The kinda love that is sacrificial and everlasting.

“Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together…?
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I’ll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us…?
The only way we’ll last forever is broken together…”

The silence

Dear Friend,

Have you ever felt like  a stranger to yourself? Like you see this person in the mirror, that girl starring at you.. but you don’t quite remember how she got there after so long.. She couldn’t recognise the voice she speaks or the strange feeling that keeps nudging, “Something is wrong somewhere. How long will it be, until it’s fixed?”

But of course,  she shrugs off that feeling and goes back to being who she is. Doing the thing she usually does, wearing a mask, covering a mess. There you go.. I said it.. I’m a mess.

I didn’t quite know how messed up I was, until a while ago. It’s 1.34 am by the way. See, it has been a while since I last came out from this shell I have built. Because if I do, than I have to deal with life. Whenever people asked me to get moving with my life I was so tempted to reply, “Do you know what happened if you break and tortoise’s shell? Well it dies.. Just leave me alone. I need it” See I was tired of facing life. I feel defeated. I’m so close to saying, “Fine, you won.. Is there anything you need?” But I didn’t. I can’t. I guess I had too much pride to accept defeat. I wanted to continue, whatever battle I’m on. .

On top of feeling defeated, I’m angry. See, I have met quite a few people who refuse to believe God existed. Then it hit me, what it He really didn’t exist. So I did, exactly what they did. I refuse to speak, I refuse to pray. I challenged God saying, “You want me, then come get me. Because I’m tired of going after you and ending up losing more than I had in the beginning..”

Of course, occasionally my conscience begged me to pray. “Just say a sentence” did the trick. Strangely though, every time I attended mass, I went down on my knees and begged, “Say something. Just anything. I don’t like it that we’re not speaking..” And still nothing. Silence. Pure silence. So I continued to hold my head high, thinking maybe I’ve prayed enough over the year that it can cover me for this whole month.. so I’m still not going to set time aside to pray to you. Old habits die hard. Prayer has become so ingrained that without it, you feel insecure.

Unfortunately, that didn’t do the trick. I have two camps coming up. I have at least 49 students looking up to me for a guide in their faith life. And I figured, aahh.. this has to stop. Funny thing is, I never thought of leaving or quit doing whatever I’m doing for the church. It didn’t seem right. And it didn’t seem right to preach about something that I am doubtful about either. So I forced myself to continue with the daily reading. I continued writing in my journal. But still I felt nothing. It was empty. A little too empty that I begin filling it up with other things. Reading fiction novels, cooking, baking, playing games, watching TV series.. anything that hindered me from praying.

My conscience tormented me daily. I couldn’t understand why. I tried praying, but these voices still didn’t leave me along. Has it become programmed within me that only when I prayed to “GOD” willingly ..I can be at peace? Then I was regretting the fact that I’m what people label as “religious” ..  Maybe if I wasn’t too religious, it wouldn’t have mattered to me that I chose not to speak to God. But I did. Infact I spoke to God constantly. Or rather I used. I used to love speaking to Him. And whenever I did, it gave me sense of hope, security, peace. Then again, this all might be because of my mind. Just because I think it is such, doesn’t necessarily mean it exist. Just because I convince myself God exist.. does not necessarily mean He exist.

Then awhile ago, something strange happen. And no, I didn’t see, smell, touch or taste God. Neither did I receive any answers to my questions. But I figured, why it all started.

I was listening to an audio file given to me by a friend, when the speaker said, “When one says..’I’m angry at God for being asleep, can actually lead you into a conversation or an encounter with God..”

Then it hit me. I refused to speak to God, because He has been silence. Silence could either drive you far far far away or anger you to the point that you want to shake that person and put some sense into that person and scream, “I’m here!!!! Do you not see me?”

You’re probably thinking, that doesn’t proof anything. Well, of all the audio files I have, I chose to listen to that. In that 60 minutes talk, that sentence spoke directly to me and I started to choke back my tears. Call it whatever you want, coincidence, accident.. or perhaps God.

I was desperate. And that little trick, certainly did it. 🙂

See, I have always threatened to leave God. I have done things to get His attention. I have thrown tantrums you can’t imagine. I have been in situations where I literally felt the inside of me rupture. And yet, in every situation, I came back to where I belong. How do I know that’s where I belong? Because it breaks your shell and yet  you’re even more alive. You’re free.

Perhaps, I’m “religious” .. perhaps I’m weak that I choose to hang on to God like it’s my life.. or perhaps it’s God. Try running away from Him. You won’t go far. You can’t go far. He’ll come after you.

I know. Because He came after me.

When friendship is at its best

Dear Friend, I don’t know if you missed me as much as I missed you. 😥 I don’t know if you are aware of the cold, heartless nights I went through just by dwelling deep in my thoughts. I ached to write it all out but for some reason I held it back. The walls I built are like glasses from the outside. Yikes… okay fine. I’ll stop it with all the “dramas”! 😛

So anyway, there’s a few things happening in my life that you don’t know. I’ll tell you some of it.. while the rest, I’ll think about it. 😛 Firstly, I’ll be unemployed starting from next week on wards! Yes, sadly, you won’t be hearing me rant about how writing is the hardest thing in the world, when you suck at it. Hmm.. but I have to admit. I’m not quite sure if that is the most craziest thing I have done; quitting my job without having a plan after that. But for some reason I think for the first time ever, I am actually enjoying the fact of not knowing what’s going to happen or what the future holds.. or who you’re going to meet or if you might end up working with animals as a zookeeper. Okay that’s unlikely, since I am afraid of all living beings that is not human. 😛 Then again, I think the most craziest thing I’ve down is jumping from a height of 22 m above ground, ropes to ropes on trees. Or it could be snorkeling. Aah. But I love the sea, the reefs, corals, sea urchin (yes, they can be fierce), I love the fishes. Aaahh… I miss the salty sea water smell. Maybe I should head to Redang soon or Krabi for diving. I don’t know. oh the perks of unemployment. 😛

Sorry about that, I forgot how much I missed writing and now it gushes out like streams of water flowing to the sea. Anyway, this is actually a long overdue post, dedicated to a special someone. We promised to write about each other, but you know about procrastination. 😛

So there’s this colleague of mine, Lilian, who when I first met her, I thought, “Oh Lord, please don’t let her think I’m weird…” (Because I am weird..in a weird way. If you’re weird, you’ll get what I’m saying.. ) And for some reason… my prayers wasn’t answered.. because this colleague of mine, did think I was weird. But here’s the catch. She’s weird too. 😀 So when you put two weird people together, we’re perfect. 😛

Throughout the many years of my life, I have met so many people who has helped me grow in ways I can never imagine. I have learnt that not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever, but there are some. And everyone is a gift from God. Although, they may hurt you in one way or another, they are still a gift, a blessing. Because I can tell you for sure, if I never met those who have hurt me along the way, I wouldn’t be where I am right now. And if I never made the mistakes I have made and lost some people along the way, I wouldn’t know what it would be like to be a real friend. 🙂 You know what I’m saying?

And Lilian, helped me to discover a part of me that I hid all along.. The part where I was afraid to show, for fear of not being accepted as a friend. Her simplicity in the little things she did but with great love reminded me of St Therese of Lisiuex. I remember once, when we attended mass together and she exclaimed, “But why do you worry?! You just received Jesus in the Eucharist!” … I was like wow. How come I never thought of that? She taught, me that as a Catholic, I take things for granted. How when I first received communion at the age of 9, I was so excited.. but throughout the years the sparks went on and off. She reminded me that it is important to keep the fire burning.

Lilian taught me how to be silly.. and it is completely okay. We were once stuck in DUMC for lunch and it started raining heavily and neither one of remembered to bring umbrella. So we waited for the rain to stop.. Unfortunately, it was taking a long time and we had to get back to work. A kind gentleman lend us his umbrella. And we walked through the rain. We got wet of course. Shoes and hair. And along the way, we were laughing hysterically, especially when a car passed by, splashing water at us. I was a bit self-conscious considering that we’re going back to office (soaking wet and the look on our boss’s face), but sometimes, you just have to let it go and enjoy the little things in life. You know, bend the rules a little bit. 😛 It was probably one of the day where I laughed. Like really had a good laughed where I felt my intestines ruptured.

I knocked a car a few months back and at that moment, Lilian was truly heaven sent. If you know me at all, I get flustered at the silliest things in life. Knocking a car, is bigger than the “big things in life” …. but she stood by me the whole time, right up to the police station to dealing with the driver. (we had to burn our movie tickets)… After that, as a compensation we treated ourselves with Chillies. 😀 And oh we love watching movies. She dislikes watching horror though. A little sad or else, it’s match made in heaven. Muahaha. 😛

Foood! Oh we’re a bunch of foodies!! We love food. We eat everything and anything. She thought me to like Japanese food a little. I had too. Peer pressure. 😛 She and Michelle both. 🙂 Aahh.. I’m going to miss our lunch time. We always ask each other, “Are you starving for world peace?!.. Come let’s go for lunch!” … Section 17, Banana Leaf rice, Lei Cha, Kimchi Haru, Japanesee, Fat Spoon, Chilli Rush, The bee, My Elephant, Mnm’s, Fontera, Shyet Li, Subway, Analakshmi, WTF, Bangsar! ..Aaahhh… This is tragic! 😥

We love singing. And we harmonize quite excellently. 😛 On our way back from events, we will switch off the radio and have our own karaoke sessions! ..Boy Bands, Disneys, Rock, Rap, Praise and Worship, Christmas song.. oh you name it! We even planned to duet together for our annual dinner (If we EVER have one) ..

I remember the times, where we prayed together… Where we prayed for each other. I know then I have truly found a friend in Christ. A friend that loves me for who I am, flaws and failures all put together. A friend that will run the mile for me. A friend that won’t mind acting silly with me and care not of the world might think. A friend, that was there for me, when I was going through some of the darkest moments in my life. A friend that watched me in my weakest, where I couldn’t even find the strength to love myself, she was there all along, picking up the pieces.. offering to patch it up back. A friend that knows my struggles and insecurities and never once judged me for the things I did and the things I didn’t do. A true friend indeed.

And because of this very special friend, I have grown to be in love with God, more than I ever have. Because of her, I took the liberty to study my Catholic faith, even more. Because of her, I am praying more than I have ever prayed in my entire life. She lit back the fire inside of me that was on the verge of dying and is encouraging me to let it shine! 😀

Ahh.. how grateful I am to my Lord, who sends the right person, at the right time. He surely knows what is He doing. Who am I question His plan. 🙂

Dear Lilian, if you are reading this (I’m sure you are, since I am sitting right next to your desk as I write this) .. I want you to know, that you’re beautiful inside and outside. Thank you for everything. Thank you for coming into my life and showing me Christ. Indeed, He dwells in the pure and innocent.. Like you. :’)

The Journey

The God of silence beckons me
To journey to my heart, where He awaits..
O Lord, I hear You calling tenderly
To You I come to gaze..
At the beauty of Your face, I cannot see..

To rest in Your embrace, I cannot feel..
To dwell in Your love, hurting but sweet..
To be with You; to glimpse eternity..

Dear Friend,

I didn’t know it has been this long since I wrote here. I’ve written so many in my mind, that I’m afraid if I let it out in this empty space, it will be too much to handle. 😛

I’m currently on a mission. 😀 A mission to the depths of my heart. Have you ever made a journey to your heart? I’m not quite sure if I have, but I know even before I decided to embark on this journey, I felt the pinch.  It was probably one of the few times ever I saw who I am in my own eyes. I wasn’t entirely terrified, but it is what it is. I am what I am. Disfigured. Broken.

See I hate to admit that I am. I like to appear that I am this strong woman warrior not a delicate flower that needs constant care. I refuse to let people inside my head so often. Because I’m insecure like that. I refuse to let them know my sorrow, my weakness, my fears, because my pride kept me safe in my chains. So what happens? I became my worst fears. I became my worst enemy. The “broken” woman I hide inside of me.. is broken even more, than she’s already is.

Desolation. I didn’t know anything about desolation until over the weekend. Sad to say, I am guilty of it. Desolation is quite dangerous in the sense that you’re wearing a mask to your own self and you don’t even know it. You believe you are “this, this and this” …but in reality.. you are “that, that and that”. It’s painful because you don’t even know it, so you keep feeding the “this” and ignoring the “that.” You understand what I’m saying?

And when you remove your mask and there you see, something that you can’t recognize. And you asked, “How did I let myself slip away as such?” So you look back and you realise you hopped on the wrong bandwagon. Now you have to go all the way back and start over. Starting over, I realise is much harder than moving on. Moving on means, something is already there for you to work with. Starting over means you have a piece of white paper in front of you and its up to you what you want to do with it. You pour one cup of water on your paper, and that’s it. You’re screwed. 😛

But it’s funny isn’t it, how we insist on taking control. On having the brush and deciding what colour should fit into which corner. The thing is, starting over also means letting go. Although letting go may seem like one of the hardest thing to do, it is a lot easier than holding on. Holding on to something that may or may not happen is not only tiring but painful.. Holding on to people or future and insisting on having it your way.. insisting on having the “brushes” and deciding what picture to paint is not exactly freedom. It is putting yourself in chains and you become the master of your own desires.

Letting go means complete freedom. You are not controlled by the desires of your heart, rather you just spread your wings and let the wind take you where ever it wants. Like a pencil in God’s hand. You’re His instrument.. whatever comes from you, He decides.

It’s like you’ve been travelling so far with two heavy backpack on your shoulder.. and finally you get to put it down and travel without any bags. 😀

Be still the torment of the night
Will not encumber you, if you believe..
My child, this darkness isn’t emptiness
For here I mold your heart..
Unto My image, painfully you long to see..

The self you yearn to be, but fear to know..
The world from which you flee, in Me find home..
All these I give you, if you remain in Me..

Pray for me, as I pray for you. 🙂

20 facts :-P

So… everyone is posting 20 facts about themselves. And because my human nature is asking me to submit to peer pressure .. I’ll join only in too..only with a little twist. 😛 I won’t post 20 facts because I change my mind in the speed of light. 😛 I will post 20 things you may or may not know about me 😀 And I have to blog it, because I’m not a one-liner kinda person. I need paragraphs 😛

1) I’m a Catholic. I’m sure you know that.. but I’m not just a catholic, rather a hardcore Catholic. 😀 I’d the happy to share with you my faith that has become my lifestyle now.

2) I’m 24 years of age but people still think I’m in school. Sometimes it good to know I look younger but most of the time I wished I acted my age.. you know ..like an adult. It’s hard to quiet down the child in me that is always so eager to come out. 

3) I literally write for living. I’m a horrible writer but I do love writing. I don’t how or why it all started but if there is one thing I want to do for the rest of my life that is to write about God and His church. I can write everyday for the rest of my life and trust me, I’d never get tired of it. :’)

4) I go crazy with brownies. I eat brownies especially when I know I’m gonna be depressed. I eat brownies when its pay day or even when I’m broke. It’s my antidote. 😦

5) I don’t have a huge issue with my weight but my self esteem screams and tortures me once in a while saying I need to stop eating junk. But I figured, my self-worth does not lie on a weighing scale so I go ahead and eat another brownie, knowing I can burn it later on.

6) Yes, I do exercise. Not because I want to loose weight but because someday God-willing if I met someone who loves me enough to stick with me no matter hard life gets and happens to put a ring on my finger.., I will want to live long enough to see my great-great grandchildren! :’)

7) I’m not the usual kinda girl you’d meet. I don’t own a set of make-up. Just a gloss and eye-liner for special occasions.  I only have one heels which I only used once for my graduation. I wear dresses when I run out of jeans to wear. That could probably be the reason why I’m single, but hey, I think you cannot limit beauty to only physical attributes. I think beauty is a whole person. And if you can’t see that, too bad. 😛

8) Another therapy is singing. I sing out loud when I need to release stress, Most of the time I sound horrible, but hey.. as long as you let it out.. you’re good! ;-D

9) I’m difficult. Because I’m a fighter. You get on an argument with me, I won’t let you go so easily. I’m defensive, when it comes to the values I cling too and people I hold so close to my heart. There will be never a moment in my life where you see me giving up. 😉 I can be quite persuasive too. Only because I see things that you can’t see. So I won’t let you give up either. 

10) Based on number (7) and (9), sometimes I think God made a mistake in creating me a woman. But then I look at a child and how I long to embrace her/him in my arms, How I want give and never stop giving to this child and I know God didn’t make a mistake. I am surely of the right gender! 🙂

11) I have a weakness for guys with guitar. I fall head over heels when I see a guy kneeling and praying. I won’t say anything else.

12) I’m an introvert and I love the fact that I am. I am very much aware of what I’m feeling and why I’m feeling it. I enjoy my solitude. I also enjoy a good company. I love dwelling in deep intelligent one-to one conversations. I dislike crowds or hanging out with people I’m not so close with. I suffer internally when this happens.

13) I call myself a wall-flower. In other words, I’m a loner. But I’m not ashamed to be one. I’m the observer, the listener. I observe how people act, how the tiles are not arranged orderly. I observe the speed of the car and try to make up words with the plat numbers I come across. Then I try to connect it with life. And then the best part.. I write about it. 🙂 You’d be surprised of the things I come up with. 😛

14) I’m passionate. I think everyone needs to be passionate. Only with passion and commitment we can be who we are truly created to be. And you need to find that one thing you’re truly passionate about. 🙂 As for me, it is God and writing. 😀

15) I read. I can get lost in a book and I won’t come back. I will spend hundreds on books. I’m afraid to go for book fairs. But I can’t help it. I work in a BOOK company. So I am surrounded by books. Sometimes I find books more attractive than people. And I feel guilty for leaving them and going out to meet people. 

16) I’m very protective over my feelings. You’d never guess, not even for a second of the things I feel and the things I think off. I can be madly in love with you but you’d never know. I can have a death in my family, and I’d still plaster a smile on my face. Why? I’m not quite sure. Probably because I have to much pride to let people know how vulnerable I am. That is sad. I know. The only mask I can’t take off. 

17) I love boy bands. I think they’re best thing that existed in the 90’s. 😉

18) I have the most amazing family anyone can ever have. They’re not perfect but God knew exactly what I needed. So it is perfect. 🙂

19) I plan to go back-packing someday. As much as I love to stay at home.. but hey, you can only grow when step foot out in the woods, with the lions and bears and the rain and thunder. 🙂

20) I’m not as strong as I look. I don’t have everything figured out, although I act like I do. But I do depend on God solely and He is the sole reason for my existence until this very day.

Okay that;s it. I have to go have my lunch. My colleague just asked me if I;m fasting for world peace. 😛

Cheers!