Dear Friend,
Have you ever felt like a stranger to yourself? Like you see this person in the mirror, that girl starring at you.. but you don’t quite remember how she got there after so long.. She couldn’t recognise the voice she speaks or the strange feeling that keeps nudging, “Something is wrong somewhere. How long will it be, until it’s fixed?”
But of course, she shrugs off that feeling and goes back to being who she is. Doing the thing she usually does, wearing a mask, covering a mess. There you go.. I said it.. I’m a mess.
I didn’t quite know how messed up I was, until a while ago. It’s 1.34 am by the way. See, it has been a while since I last came out from this shell I have built. Because if I do, than I have to deal with life. Whenever people asked me to get moving with my life I was so tempted to reply, “Do you know what happened if you break and tortoise’s shell? Well it dies.. Just leave me alone. I need it” See I was tired of facing life. I feel defeated. I’m so close to saying, “Fine, you won.. Is there anything you need?” But I didn’t. I can’t. I guess I had too much pride to accept defeat. I wanted to continue, whatever battle I’m on. .
On top of feeling defeated, I’m angry. See, I have met quite a few people who refuse to believe God existed. Then it hit me, what it He really didn’t exist. So I did, exactly what they did. I refuse to speak, I refuse to pray. I challenged God saying, “You want me, then come get me. Because I’m tired of going after you and ending up losing more than I had in the beginning..”
Of course, occasionally my conscience begged me to pray. “Just say a sentence” did the trick. Strangely though, every time I attended mass, I went down on my knees and begged, “Say something. Just anything. I don’t like it that we’re not speaking..” And still nothing. Silence. Pure silence. So I continued to hold my head high, thinking maybe I’ve prayed enough over the year that it can cover me for this whole month.. so I’m still not going to set time aside to pray to you. Old habits die hard. Prayer has become so ingrained that without it, you feel insecure.
Unfortunately, that didn’t do the trick. I have two camps coming up. I have at least 49 students looking up to me for a guide in their faith life. And I figured, aahh.. this has to stop. Funny thing is, I never thought of leaving or quit doing whatever I’m doing for the church. It didn’t seem right. And it didn’t seem right to preach about something that I am doubtful about either. So I forced myself to continue with the daily reading. I continued writing in my journal. But still I felt nothing. It was empty. A little too empty that I begin filling it up with other things. Reading fiction novels, cooking, baking, playing games, watching TV series.. anything that hindered me from praying.
My conscience tormented me daily. I couldn’t understand why. I tried praying, but these voices still didn’t leave me along. Has it become programmed within me that only when I prayed to “GOD” willingly ..I can be at peace? Then I was regretting the fact that I’m what people label as “religious” .. Maybe if I wasn’t too religious, it wouldn’t have mattered to me that I chose not to speak to God. But I did. Infact I spoke to God constantly. Or rather I used. I used to love speaking to Him. And whenever I did, it gave me sense of hope, security, peace. Then again, this all might be because of my mind. Just because I think it is such, doesn’t necessarily mean it exist. Just because I convince myself God exist.. does not necessarily mean He exist.
Then awhile ago, something strange happen. And no, I didn’t see, smell, touch or taste God. Neither did I receive any answers to my questions. But I figured, why it all started.
I was listening to an audio file given to me by a friend, when the speaker said, “When one says..’I’m angry at God for being asleep, can actually lead you into a conversation or an encounter with God..”
Then it hit me. I refused to speak to God, because He has been silence. Silence could either drive you far far far away or anger you to the point that you want to shake that person and put some sense into that person and scream, “I’m here!!!! Do you not see me?”
You’re probably thinking, that doesn’t proof anything. Well, of all the audio files I have, I chose to listen to that. In that 60 minutes talk, that sentence spoke directly to me and I started to choke back my tears. Call it whatever you want, coincidence, accident.. or perhaps God.
I was desperate. And that little trick, certainly did it. 🙂
See, I have always threatened to leave God. I have done things to get His attention. I have thrown tantrums you can’t imagine. I have been in situations where I literally felt the inside of me rupture. And yet, in every situation, I came back to where I belong. How do I know that’s where I belong? Because it breaks your shell and yet you’re even more alive. You’re free.
Perhaps, I’m “religious” .. perhaps I’m weak that I choose to hang on to God like it’s my life.. or perhaps it’s God. Try running away from Him. You won’t go far. You can’t go far. He’ll come after you.
I know. Because He came after me.
The Journey 